Saturday, October 13, 2007
bitter.
- i can't wait to be okay. yesterday was october 12, that was supposed to be the 2nd anniversary of our reconciliation. as i have written before in my tabulas account. i've been trying to hold back the tears but yesterday i could not hold it back any longer. since we broke up (september 27), i've only cried 4 times. yesterday was the fifth. i'm trying to be strong. but just like what jade said, "minsan kailangan mo umiyak.."
- honestly, i dunno what went wrong. i wasn't gonna break up with him inspite of me being super mad that time. inspite of me losing my wits the whole day that he did not text me, i was still gonna forgive him. but he went on and let go. and it HURTS. i dunno why he was the one who did that, when supposedly, it was to be an act of selflessness. he didn't even bother asking me what i want.
- some people told be "baka meron ng iba..". sana hindi. coz i explicitly asked him to tell me if that was the case. but i can't be sure. i insisted that he not avoid me and look at what's happening now. we broke up thursday night. since saturday night, he hasn't replied to my messages or answered my phone calls. this is a major source of my bitterness. and also a big reason i guess for not being able to move on. i keep on wondering why he can just flush out 2 years and 8 months out of his system just like that. i really envy him for mastering the art of pride and self-control. or maybe he just doesn't care.
- i personally feel that when you come from a relationship like that, you feel compelled to have some sort of consideration for that person. you must at least care if that person has moved on or not. i dunno but that seems like a moral obligation that is really inescapable. if you think about it, maybe he just doesn't care.
- this is the second time he did this to me. everytime he has a problem, not necessarily with me, he bails out on me. it really HURTS.. because he can't fight for me.
- i'm afraid he just doesn't care.. coz he doesn't love me anymore. maybe he should just tell that to my face. and not leave me wondering anymore about what went wrong. because even though a lot of people tell me that it wasn't my fault, i still can't help but blame myself somehow. they say, "baka nasakal." this would not have been an issue if he hadn't done all those things to me though. i'm not trying to say i'm right but i did try to do something to make the US work out.
- he told me he can't commit. but i know something he's doing right now. it hurts like hell to know that that's what he wants.
- the more that he's avoiding me, the more that i feel that this break up was my fault.
- he doesn't care. but i still do care for him. fuck. i even think about what he's eating, if he's eating right, if he needs anything. ganon ko sha kamahal. at parang balewala lang sa kanya. kahit yung pinagsamahan namin, wala. kahit kamustahin ako, di nya magawa.kahit maging civil saken, di nya magawa. i didn't think the relationship would end this way. i thought that with everything we've been through, mas okay sana kung maghihiwalay kami. di pala.
- i miss him.. terribly.. and i can't let him know that. even if he did, he doesn't care.
- almost all of my friends have, i think, finally found their matches. i am soooo envious of them. but i'm really happy for them. i though i've found my match too. it's quite sorry he doesn't feel the same.
- it breaks my heart to see other people be affected with how i am. even my dad and grandmother noticed even though i haven't fully admitted that i have a bf.
- go on. live your life as if i didn't exist. live your life like you haven't ruined someone else's.
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